遇到伤痛，遭遇无常，学会接受。

Yet one thing eluded me：但有一件事我没明白

the full force of the impermanence：无常的巨大力量

made my heart flutter：让我的心悸动

Appearance no longer held sway with me：外表对我不再起作用。

We met and our connection was instant：我们一见面就一见如故

表面上看，我的生活是完美的:在30多岁时，我就在时尚界工作，住在伦敦。这似乎是一个梦。事实上，我已经不沉溺在那个险恶的时尚行业，而且在追求爱情中，经历了一段不堪的恋爱。

我实际上经历了两段糟糕的爱情。我的前任比我大10岁，我既有钱又有年轻，我们已经准备好可以一起创造未来了。然而三年后，我在他的手机上发现了另一个女人的短信。我打电话给她时，她不知道我是谁，而且他们也一直在一起。

之后，另一个男人走进了我的生活。他粗犷，英俊和野性。在我坚持不懈地追求了他几个月后，我们成为了一对情侣——但我们几乎没有共同点。他带领自行车队环游世界，而我从事时尚工作。他讨厌我的公司生涯，而我讨厌他无忧无虑的生活方式。

我们成为情侣几个月后，我为他的生日在梅菲尔的一家餐厅安排了一顿浪漫的晚餐。当我坐下时，他看着我的眼睛说:“我有过一次一夜情。她怀孕了。我要和她在一起。”

这很残酷。我难以置信地看着他，泪水顺着脸颊滚落下来。我只能跑出去。他跟着我走了出去，然后离开了。我一个人在街上歇斯底里地哭泣。我不想再见到他。

我报名参加了一个为期三天的团体治疗、生活指导工作坊，并学会了对自己负责。我联系了危地马拉的一个妇女慈善机构，并担任了一份帮助边缘化妇女的志愿工作。我想尽快离开。我睡在办公室的一张行军床上，与那些远不如我幸运的人打交道，晚上和周末在海滩上漫步，结交新朋友。

当我6个月后回到伦敦时，我找到了一份时尚业的工作，但责任要轻得多，这让我能够优先考虑我的家人，朋友，更重要的是，我自己。

在我人生的接下来的十年里，从35岁到45岁，我没有恋爱，没有一夜情，没有发展出真正的感情，害怕这让我的生活再次被打破。即使我参加朋友的订婚仪式、婚礼和婴儿会，一想到要以这种方式把自己托付给别人，我仍然感到恐惧。

然后不可思议的事情发生了。我的父亲意外地死于心力衰竭。他坐在家里他最喜欢的椅子上，几分钟后就去世了。我感受到了生命的无常。没有东西是永恒的。从来没有。 我终于明白，我浪费了十年的时间去控制一个我无法控制的结果。

在朋友们的帮助下，我加入了一个约会软件，连续安排了五次约会。我不会选择那种让我一见就心动的人。我要寻找对我更重要的品格：同情心、智慧和善良。外表对我不再重要了。

我的第二次约会我就找到我寻找的一切：聪明、机智和有趣。我们一见面就一见如故。我没有去赴剩下的约会。就在三个月前，我还无法想象自己会这么快乐。

在拒绝自己的温柔十年之后，我不仅爱上了一个人，而且接受了自己的温柔，这种感觉很好。我知道我很脆弱，但现在我也很勇敢。

The Telegraph

‘I stopped having sex or relationships for ten years. Here’s what happened’

Anonymous author
Fri, September 24, 2021, 6:28 PM

On the surface^[1] my life was perfect: in my 30s, I was working in fashion and living in London. It was the dream. In reality, I’d outgrown the insidious^[2] fashion business^[3] and was stumbling through^[4] a dysfunctional^[5] romance in pursuit of love.

I’d fallen into this relationship^[6] on the back of^[7] a bad one. With my previous partner, who was 10 years older, I had money and age on my side. We were ripe for building a future together. Yet, three years in, I found messages from another woman on his phone. When I called her she had no idea who I was but they’d been together the whole time.

In the aftermath, another man walked into my life. He was ruggedly beautiful and wild^[8]. After a few months of my relentless pursuit of him^[9], we embarked on a sexual relationship and became an item^[10,11] – but we had little in common. He led cycling tours around the world and I worked in fashion. He detested^[12] my corporate career and I resented his carefree lifestyle. All things considered, what happened next shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

A few months into our coupledom I’d arranged a romantic dinner for his birthday at a restaurant in Mayfair. As I took my seat, he triggered the events that changed the course of my life. Looking into my eyes he said: “I had a one night stand^[13]. She’s pregnant. I’m going to be with her.”

It was brutal. I stared back in disbelief^[14] as tears rolled down my cheeks^[15]. All I could do was run outside. He followed me out and walked away. I was left hysterically crying on the street, alone. I would not see him again.

This second betrayal had a profound effect on me. I couldn’t brush it off^[16] as easily as I’d done the first one because this time around, my heart was broken. I wanted to erase it from my memory^[17] but more importantly, I wanted to change the person it had happened to.

I enrolled on a three-day group therapy^[18], life-coaching workshop and learnt to hold myself accountable^[19]. As I took responsibility for my actions, I felt free from the burden of my past. One by one, I deleted things that no longer served me. My career was the first to go, followed by mutual friends I’d shared with my ex, acquaintances and unhealthy habits.

I contacted a women’s charity in Guatemala and took up a voluntary position helping marginalised women^[20]. I couldn’t get away soon enough. I slept on a camp bed^[21] in the office, dealt with those far less fortunate than I had ever been and spent my evenings and weekends strolling the beaches and making new friends.

When I returned to London six months later I found a job in fashion but with far less responsibility, which allowed me to prioritise my family, friends and more importantly, myself.

Yet one thing eluded^[22] me. I couldn’t form a romantic attachment^[23] to men. I found men attractive and felt sexual energy towards some^[24]. I enjoyed flirting but avoided sex out of fear it would cause an emotional attachment. For the next decade of my life, from the age of 35 to 45, I had no relationships, one night stands or dalliances^[25] that would throw me off balance^[26].

In that time, loneliness emotionally crippled me^[27]. I craved the love and affection of a partner and yearned for the comfort of a stable relationship. But it also terrified me. I had rebuilt my life but lost the courage to share it. I’d lean on friends and family to fill the void, but in the end, I’d go back home and cry myself to sleep, wake up and reinforce the self-imposed dating hiatus^[28]. I could not break the cycle.

Even as I attended friends’ engagements, weddings and baby showers^[29] I still felt dread at the thought of committing myself to someone else in that way. I applauded their bravery^[30] but resented their happiness^[31]. I counted all the ways^[32] these relationships could go wrong and that was enough to send me running back to the comfort of my hiatus. Then the unthinkable happened. I lost my father to heart failure unexpectedly. He died within minutes while he sat on his favourite chair at home. I felt the full force of the impermanence^[33,34] of the things I loved. Nothing is forever. It never had been. I finally understood that I had wasted a decade of my life trying to control an outcome I had no control over.

注友新闻

注释

[1] On the surface

注释:从表面上看

备注:在表面上，外表上

[2] insidious

注释:阴险的

备注:美 [ɪnˈsɪdiəs]
英 [ɪnˈsɪdiəs]
adj. 阴险的；隐伏的；暗中为害的；狡猾的

[3] outgrown the insidious fashion business

注释:摆脱了阴险的时尚行业

[4] stumbling through

注释:跌跌撞撞经历

[5] dysfunctional

注释:不正常的

备注:美 [dɪsˈfʌŋkʃənl]
英 [dɪsˈfʌŋkʃənl]
机能失调的,功能障碍的

[6] fallen into this relationship

注释:陷入这种关系

[7] on the back of

注释:在…的后面

备注:在…之外，在…后面

[8] ruggedly beautiful and wild

注释:粗犷、美丽和野性

[9] my relentless pursuit of him

注释:我对他的不懈追求

[10] became an item

注释:成为情侣

备注:be an item. Meaning. be involved in a romantic relationship;

[11] embarked on a sexual relationship and became an item

注释:开始了一段性关系，并成为了情侣

[12] detested

注释:厌恶

备注:美 [dɪˈtest]
英 [dɪˈtest]
vt. 厌恶；憎恨

[13] a one night stand

注释:一夜情

[14] stared back in disbelief

注释:难以置信地回视着

[15] rolled down my cheeks

注释:滚下我的脸颊

[16] brush it off

注释:摆脱

备注:使脱落
刷掉
Brush It Off
    打掉它
    尽量掩饰避开不谈

[17] erase it from my memory

注释:把它从我的记忆中抹去

[18] enrolled on a three-day group therapy

注释:参加了为期三天的团体治疗

[19] hold myself accountable

注释:对自己的行为负责

[20] marginalised women

注释:被边缘化的女性

[21] a camp bed

注释:一个行军床

[22] eluded

注释:躲避

备注:美 [ɪˈluːd]
英 [ɪˈluːd]
vt. （尤指机智地，巧妙地）避开，逃避，躲避
vt. 使无法得到；使无法达到
vt. 使不记得；使不理解

[23] form a romantic attachment

注释:形成浪漫的依恋关系

[24] felt sexual energy towards some

注释:对一些人感到性感

[25] dalliances

注释:嬉戏

备注:美 [ˈdæliəns]
英 [ˈdæliəns]
n. 嬉戏；闲混；调情

[26] throw me off balance

注释:让我失去平衡

[27] loneliness emotionally crippled me

注释:孤独使我情感受挫

[28] hiatus

注释:中断

备注:美 [haɪˈeɪtəs]
英 [haɪˈeɪtəs]
n. 裂缝，空隙，脱漏部分；间断；元音连读

[29] baby showers

注释:宝宝派对（在孩子出生前举办的特殊派对）

[30] applauded their bravery

注释:称赞他们的勇敢

[31] resented their happiness

注释:憎恨他们的幸福

[32] counted all the ways

注释:数遍所有的方法

[33] the full force of the impermanence

注释:无常的全部力量

[34] impermanence

注释:无常

备注:美 [ɪmˈpɜːmənəns]
英 [ɪmˈpɜːmənəns]
n. 无常；暂时性

I stopped having sex or relationships for ten years. Heres what happened(2)

With the help of friends, I joined a dating app and set up five consecutive dates^[1]. This time, I chose differently. I put into practice^[2] what I’d learned from 10 years of being alone. I would not choose the one who made my heart flutter^[3]. Instead, I would look for traits that might serve me well: empathy, intelligence and kindness. Appearance no longer held sway^[4] with me.^[5]

The first date went remarkably well, but I never heard from him again. I carried on regardless. My second date was everything I’d been searching for: smart, witty and interesting. We met and our connection was instant. I never went on the remaining dates.

Date Number Two and I have now been together for a couple of months. Just three months ago I couldn’t have imagined being this happy. Even if nothing comes out of it, I’ve finally broken my self-imposed dating hiatus. After a decade of denying myself tenderness^[6], it feels good, not only to love another, but to accept it in return. I am aware I’m vulnerable but now I am also courageous.

注友新闻

注释

[1] set up five consecutive dates

注释:安排5次连续约会

[2] put into practice

注释:付诸实践

备注:英 [undefined]
实行，实施；落实

[3] made my heart flutter

注释:让我的心悸动

[4] held sway

注释:支配；统治

[5] Appearance no longer held sway with me.

注释:外表对我不再起支配作用了。

[6] tenderness

注释:温柔

备注:美 [ˈtendənəs]
英 [ˈtendənəs]
n. 亲切；柔软；柔和；敏感；棘手